Dear Manti,
You and
I are really similar. How you might ask? Well we both are girlfriend-less
individuals who struggle at tackling. We should hit the town together! I heard South Bend is hopping on the weekends.
Your
character, as well as your skill, is now in question. What you were a Heisman
trophy finalist? Yes I know that, but seriously dude did you see yourself
against Alabama? No. Wait that is another similarity we share because I did not
see you either during that game. I am just playing with you big guy, just like
you played all of us.
Nowadays,
everywhere I turn I see your face. I have never seen grown men so caught up in
reading Sports Illustrated except for when the swimsuit edition makes its
illustrious appearance once a year. The media loves you man. You are the Lance
Armstrong or Mark McGwire of going along with having a fake girlfriend. I do
not know how big of a role you played in this whole saga. I am not here to
judge. Oh wait, I am.
You my
friend are either the most naïve son of gun I know, or the stupidest human
being I know; I am choosing the later just for the record. You are telling me,
and the rest of the world, that you did not know that Lennay Kekua was as real
as Winnie the Pooh. You are telling me that all your tweets and heartfelt
interviews were about someone you truly thought was real. Come on Ti. Can I
call you Ti?
I get
it. You are a college male. We all do some kind of, let’s call it playful
fibbing, about the women we wish we had in our lives. The problem is this, you
or whichever distant relative you want to blame, killed her off. Leukemia bro?
Seriously. Out of all the ways one can die you chose to kill her with a disease
that affects hundreds of thousands of people. A disease Chuck Pagano has truly
battled this past NFL season. Was saying that falling off a cliff to her death too
extreme?
You
will say that you had no part in this and that YOU were the victim of a hoax.
Give me a break. Nobody in their right mind, that is not a diehard Notre Dame
fan, believes you.
You
have destroyed your image. The jokes that are made about you now are downright hilarious.
Like: my teacher asked me for my homework and I said I did not have it. I told
her it was at Manti Te’o’s girlfriend’s house. I know you were just lol-ing
when you were reading that. Cheer up though. You can get through this by
following my simple steps. Just call me your life coach.
First,
come out and hold a press conference. Stop hiding in your snug South Bend apartment
and address the media. We have all learned that you adore the spotlight. State
that you indeed were a part of this. Apologize for all the pain you caused. Become
the face of leukemia research because you owe all the people that battle the
dreaded disease an apology too. Finally, move on. Simple enough for you?
Sure
you will be hounded forever. People will make fun of you until the day you pass
away. The Te’o fake girlfriend jokes will bring us laughs for years. I hope you
watch the Marquette-Notre Dame basketball game on March 2nd, I will be the one
with the plain white poster that says “Manti Te’o’s girlfriend” over it. Still
you can make a name for yourself in a positive fashion. You can transform from
Manti Te’o the fake girlfriend killer to Manti Te’o the stud NFL linebacker who
also killed off his fake girlfriend.
You my
friend have turned from a Rudy-like folk hero, to a fraud. I know you might
deny your involvement for the rest of your life, but just give it up. Throw in
the towel and admit defeat. You can move on from this and you will if you
follow my image recovery steps.
Look forward to seeing you play on Sundays.
Best Regards,
Nick Kapetan
P.S. If your football
career does not work out, you should become a soap opera writer. They get paid
a decent wage to kill off people for a living.
No comments:
Post a Comment