A Letter to The Incoming Freshman Class

Dear Incoming Freshmen,

   Welcome! You made it to college. Woohoo. Your parents must be so proud. I bet you think that you are prepared and your college years here at Marquette are going to be a walk in the park. Well that is where you are wrong young lady from some random small town in Wisconsin or wannabe frat bro that says he is from Chicago but is really from Peoria.

    I am about to give you a tutorial on all that you need to know about Marquette University. You may have had one of our fine tour guides lead you around and fill your mind with facts about campus life. They probably did a tremendous job, but they are paid to leave out what you really need to know.

   First off let us start with your dorm selection. If you are living in McCormick, get ready for one hell of a time. If you are someone that enjoys studying long hours on weekends in the comfort of your room, well you might as well transfer out now. If you live in any other dorm, I am sure they are swell, but they are not like McCorms.

   Next, lets dive into partying. “Oh I never party. I just find it wrong and want to keep my body away from the Freshman 15.” Easy there Gandhi. I guarantee you that every single person will party by the end of the year.

   You will be surprised who you see at parties. That quiet, librarian looking girl in your Philosophy class will be going to town on Jungle Juice every weekend. Staying in your dorm room every night will drive you crazy. You will know if you had the “freshman experience” if you can say that you have eaten pizza personally delivered to you by a man named Victor.

    This leads me into my next topic: the city. Milwaukee is definitely not like Chicago, but there are a plethora of activities to partake in. Just consider Water Street your new State Street. Cheese curds will be your best friend and downtown has an array of places to get them. Befriend the first cab driver you meet. This person will become your personal driver. Take his business card and call him whenever you are stranded on the streets of Thrillwaukee.
    In high school you may have used Facebook to play Farmville or whatever kids play nowadays. This is not the case anymore. Facebook is now your new Encyclopedia Britannica. Say you see a person that draws your eye at a party and want to know more about them. Go on Facebook and "research" the living crap out of them. Some say this might be creepy. You tell them to shove it and that you are getting your Albert Einstein on by researching. Anyone who tells you they have never done this is lying to your face.
   Finally, let me give you an overview on what you need to know to be a true Marquette sports fan. I want to make it clear to you now stop saying that Todd Mayo is going to be your “boy” or that you will praise Davante Gardner like he is Buddha. End that fantasy now of you chilling with Derrick Wilson outside Dog House.
   Invest in every Chris Otule item they have at the Spirit Shop. He will become your favorite player on the team. Guys, if you see ladies taking pictures with the ballers at the AMU, that does not mean you can do that too. Do not speak a word about Vander Blue. He is gone and quite frankly should never return to campus.
    Enjoy the basketball games but do not ask “where does Al sit" or "why does Otule wear glasses on the court?” Also, go check out some soccer, volleyball, and lacrosse games.

    Enjoy your freshman year because it will be one of the best years of your life. It will not go as you imagined, but that is the beauty of college. Follow the guidelines I laid out for you and you will have one heck of a year. Lastly, tune in to The Sports ReKap on Marquette Radio hosted by myself and my co-host Dave Vogt. We will continue to tell it like it is, whether you like it or not.

                                                                                               Sincerely,

                                                                                                  Juan Anderson’s number one fan
                                                                                                          Nick “Chach” Kapetan